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Hinges

by Pretty Bitter

/
1.
You stopped hanging out at the park when Mary told that it was cursed, but I never got it. You like ghosts, You hold them in your hands and bum their smokes. I haven't been your lover in quite some time but we talk on the phone every once in a while. Last I heard, the ground had moved you wished so bad it would take you. Go if you want to. You can go, no one will stop you. Go if you want to. You can go, no one's gonna stop you. Amy told you that she's a healer, went on a one week retreat and won't stop telling me that I need to smoke more weed. The worst part is, that maybe she's right but her mom pays her rent and I don't have the time. I'm meeting with old contingencies, it's becoming clear they want nothing to do with me. (The future wants nothing to do with me) Go if you want to. You can go, no one will stop you. Go if you want to. You can go, no one's gonna stop you.
2.
If I grew two faces, how could I still be sure they were the ones you were always looking for? You never got it right, don’t you ever wonder? You don’t bite the hand, you cut it off at the root. It must make you tired that no one knows you. They’ll always get you wrong, you come to get me. They’ll always be in the wrong, you come to get me. They aren’t coming after all, you beg for something. I wanna leave the door wide open but I know– I don’t care what you said to your friends when I wasn’t around. The weirdest shit comes out at night but you go out. I hope you learn for yourself who you are when nobody’s around. The mirror’s acting off, shows double your teeth; and your fingers can’t touch anything that they reach. You’re growing out all wrong, it’s more than you need. Nothing’s satisfactory. You take and you leave. It must make you tired to be so hungry. You eat the good in people, wonder where they could have gone wrong. I wanna leave the door wide open but I know– I don’t care what you said to your friends when I wasn’t around. The weirdest shit comes out at night but you go out. I hope you learn for yourself who you are when nobody’s around.
3.
Nothing ever worked the way you wanted when you started out, you only wanted something to be true. Felt it in your body hours ago and you never keep it– stood up at the top to steal the view. You know where they go, you’re not going home so soon. Don’t mind all the eyes, they’re watching after you. No mistake about it, I know how far of a drive it is home; how to know you’ve re-set the right bone. Nothing ever worked the way you wanted when you started out, you only wanted something to be true. You know where they go, you’re not going home so soon. Don’t mind all the eyes, they’re watching after you. Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait. We are even, now. Now, we are even.
4.
BeesWax 05:42
You can’t stay here. But what if I could? You can’t stay here. Oh, what if I could? No, you know you can’t stay here. No, you can’t. You can’t stay here. But what if I could? You can’t stay here. Oh, what if I could? No, you know you can’t stay here, now. No, you can’t. No ruin, Your childhood is sleeping, nor humor. you’re stirring in your bed. No ruin, Your hands are the same hands, nor humor. your life in a dream. No ruin, What you lost in the filter, nor humor. Oh, no. Home alone you think up an escape. It’s a shame to see your soul erased. They have told you that you’ve gone insane, but it looks just like your face and don’t you know? You can’t stay here. But what if I could? You can’t stay here. Oh, what if I could? No, you know you can’t stay here now. No, you can’t. Your mirror, Your mother is sleeping. your tremors, You can’t let them go now. your vices The snowfall is burning. don’t ruin– Wake up now! [You are screaming to a crowd of people. Some of them do not have their heads on top of their bodies. They are saying nothing back to you. You are saying, “Here are my hands! I am ready to come back!” You are not a wound or a festival, you are neither and nothing in between, but it is a ribbon and not a noose today. They see it too. You are together, and you are wrapping presents. You are wrapping presents together.] Your outlet, You’re waking up just fine! your bruises. They’re going away. Your mind is The door is open! not ruined. It’s time to wake up! Stay here.
5.
Final Girl 02:47
You'll be the final girl, you've got the jawline. You've got the perfect face to turn to the camera; blood-spattered, got away. Your boyfriend seems like a good catch. "All-american, who wouldn't want that?" You better start locking your windows, he's acting strange and getting too comfortable. You survive. You and I. Can't help but worship the trauma. The TV people won't leave your front yard. All you wanna do is just sleep in. The movie's over, they won't let you leave it. You survive. You and I. All you wanna do is buy groceries without being asked about that one fucking story. Just hope they don't make a sequel, Sidney's off the rails, who could blame her? You survive. You and I. You survive. You and I.
6.
Trust Fall 03:34
If I wanted this story, (and you did, and you did.) what I wanted was more than touch. (and you did, and you did.) But I’m nobody’s daughter, (and you are, you are.) and you found me out too early, baby. Oh, I wanted to call. But then I’d ruin the ending. Oh, I’d want it to spoil. But you come back, you come back home. You never told him. I always wondered if that’s because it mattered too much or not enough. I kept the picture, (that the bar tore town) I hold the candle. (and you did, and you did.) That’s not part of the story, I gotta believe in something. Can, can, can, Can you tell me the truth? You never told him. I always wondered if that’s because it mattered too much or not enough.
7.
BDI / Lore 05:35
If I gave you a cruel hypothetical– I don’t want to make this clinical, I was happy with you there. Would it be fair? It is hell sometimes to love me. You climb the aches of my family tree, It scares me just to breathe. You wish I’d lied. There comes a point in the blue light, I have taken this too many times and it still won’t tell me why. All of the times counting down from ten, tell me I’m alive, living in your head. I wanted to be how you first saw me. Honestly, honestly. Holding my breath, you gave yours to me. Your childhood bed, hands on my knees. I wanted to be well the first time you touched me. Honestly, honestly. I have started to dream about you lately, comes the time for inventory: I count backwards slow on 9. I’m not an oracle, but the illness makes the prophecies. She doesn’t have to love me to tell me what she sees. Who in the world could love me? Didn’t think I’d live to 20. I am terrified of running, because you mean everything now. If you love me, I’m alive in the memory and I’d never keep you waiting for Beck’s to bring relief. I don’t wanna keep you waiting anymore. I don’t wanna keep you waiting anymore. I don’t know what I don’t know. All of the times counting down from ten, tell me I’m alive, living in your head. I wanted to be how you first saw me. Honestly, honestly. Holding my breath, you gave yours to me. Your childhood bed, hands on my knees. I wanted to be well the first time you touched me. Honestly, honestly.
8.
Break into your childhood home. The man living there bought it with cash and he let the weeds grow. Don’t want any trouble, and you tell me what you’re wont to do, “Let me tie him to the kitchen table. I’ll bring my life if that’s alright with you.” And he can give me back the stairwell, I will give him nothing in return. Gift me back only my memories, I will not pay for missing what you stole. Our mother’s favorite word is legacy, I wonder if she knows what she passed onto me. Do we three tell her together? Or can I trust you not to aim for my back when I leave you all alone? Making dinner for a man you know will soon be dead, oh well, dinner with a dead man. Making dinner for a man you know will soon be dead, oh well, dinner with a dead man.
9.
Break it in the doorway, It’ll kill you on a good day. I know you can hear the sound from here. Hospice runs a summer camp, I’m sorry if you knew that. I can hear them beg their god from here. They want to know the way back home, I don’t want to show you where to go. I want you to know the way back home, I know you can meet me here. I want you to know me, feel me. I want you to know me, feel me. I want to know if you’ve found it– It’s not a bad habit but I can’t kick it when I’m down. I want to know, I want to know I want to know if you can. I want to know if you can. I want to know, I want to know. Henry’s getting older, there are stories he can’t know yet. I know he can hear the sound from there. Walking out the window on a nine-floor-up apartment– I promise it is just a dream. I need you to give me back my home. I don’t want to beg for what I own. I want you to take the locks off, leave the door wide open. I want it to hurt me, feed me. I want it to heal you, starve you out. I want to know if you’ve found it– It’s not a bad habit but I can’t kick it when I’m down. I want to know, I want to know I want to know if you can. I want to know if you can. I want to know, I want to know.
10.
What Now? 01:27
It’s not the way you want it, nothing ever is. I can’t start anything ‘cause I’m not perfect in the beginning. Had a breakdown, moved in with my mother ‘cause my first and only died and I couldn’t bare the thought of another. I’m looking into medium readings, (the good ones are a thousand dollars) to talk to my dead father and my cat for just a minute. I think I’ll live through this like I’ve lived through all of the others, but my mother said the last time we spoke, “You really do have a lot of trauma.” It’s not the way I want it, nothing ever is! I can’t finish anything ‘cause it’s never perfect in the way I want it. Do you like my clothes? Do you like my voice? Do you find me attractive? Am I worth it? Are you here right now? If you are, will you bring me with you? Why do we travel? To go home. Why do we travel? To go home. Why do we travel oh Why do we travel? Why do we travel, to go home again!

credits

released June 24, 2022

Pretty Bitter is:
Emelia Bleker
Brenda Miriam Tyler
Chris Smith
Jason Hayes
Zack Be

Production, mixing, mastering: Zack Be
additional engineering: Brenda Miriam Tyler

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Pretty Bitter Washington, D.C.

emo dreampop-ish something or other in dc

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